Are you an Expectant Dad? Deep breath now…

Here is some of the lingo you need to grasp as an expectant dad.

Birth positions

Imagine the Kama Sutra, but designed for arguably the least pleasurable experience possible – no jokes about sleeping with me, please. The traditional TV pose of ‘lying on back’ is considered less advantageous than squatting, or being on all fours, which can open the pelvis up to 30% more. This also helps restrict tearing. I lost you at ‘open the pelvis’ didn’t I?

Cervix

In the immortal words of our midwife, a cervix is a bit like the end of the balloon, which stops air from escaping – except it is holding a baby in the womb. Cue terrifying imagery of children fizzing across the room, or being turned into naff-looking inflatable dogs.

Colostrum

The early milk that arrives into your partner’s boobs during pregnancy, ready for breastfeeding when the baby comes. This is a super-concentrated, super-thick serum-like fluid which provides your child’s first meal, and is essential for their development. Let this be a warning to anyone who wants to be ‘that guy’ and try the milk before the baby arrives – the milk (proper) doesn’t come into your partner’s boobs until several days after birth.

Folic Acid

The vital vitamin you may never have heard of. It’s recommended that your missus is popping these while you’re preparing to get pregnant and through pregnancy – so a Viagra for you, a folic for her, maybe. Taking folic acid helps to protect against a whole host of issues. It’s almost as important as spinach is to Popeye.

Isofix

Not a baby’s savings account, but a baby-saving device which holds your car seat in place, locking into fittings in the back of most cars. Also known as LATCH in the US, and UAS in Canada, this savvy system was dreamed up as a quicker and easier alternative to securing car seats using a seatbelt.

Mamas & Papas

Your new favourite shop. You may as well set up a direct debit right now for 50% of your salary, and be done with it. Even the most hardened tightwad will struggle to take a trip to this store without absolutely spunking their load. Which is what got you into this predicament in the first place.

Meconium

Your baby’s first poo. And, yes, it’s supposed to be the appearance and texture of an oil spillage. Signs of this during labour can indicate that your baby’s getting stressed, and will often encourage your midwife to hurry things along.

Paternity leave

Free holiday for dads! Well, kinda – if your holidays are spent working as a cooker-cleaner-shopper-insomniac. As standard, you will be entitled to one or two weeks leave on statutory pay of £140.98 or 90% of your average weekly income, whichever is lower. Your employer may have their own allowances, which can lessen the pay drop of the above. But not the lack of sleep.

Pitocin

Synthetic oxytocin used to induce labour by causing contractions, or after labour to slow bleeding. This injection is best known for induction and can fast-track stalling labours better than any curry, romp, or country walk.

Uterus

The pear-shaped bachelor pad that your baby will make their home during pregnancy. Which is kinda apt, given how pear-shaped your home life will go once they arrive. This organ pushes the baby out during labour, and expands from around 80g in non-pregnant women to almost a kilogramme at birth.

Want to learn much more about being an expectant Dad? Including:

Essentials such as key dates, what happens at maternity appointments, what to pack for the hospital, and how to avoid blowing your cash on needless baby tat.

Plus a chapter about sex. Don’t get your hopes up. Seriously.

Then click on the link…